we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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