We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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