Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize