update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
40s are totally the cure
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
