your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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