I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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