stop calling my apartment porn island.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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