I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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