Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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