if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
