we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
