Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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