Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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