I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
