guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
