Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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