he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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