i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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