When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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