I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
