hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Randomize