party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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