my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
