I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
