He disabled his match.com account in front of me
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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