I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
