I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize