So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
