so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
