he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
FUCK WHALES
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
