what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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