what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
