call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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