The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
