bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Randomize
