Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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