Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize