I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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