Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize