How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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