My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
