dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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