I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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