Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
