drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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