Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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