you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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