my room smells like sperm. sweet.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
