just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
