so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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