I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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