your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
