life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
